get me outta here

I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with my job. I sit in an office near the door in and the break room. My desk, and therefore me, face both. I’m a friendly person, so of course people wave or say hello as they are on their way to get coffee or a snack. This is a HUGE distraction. My office is a room with three desks, no privacy. My officemates are administrative assistants so they are constantly on the phone or getting visitors. This is also a HUGE distraction. I rarely have even an hour of uninterrupted time. Now, I do realize that the fact that I dislike what I’m doing is making it even harder to accomplish anything.

Opinion on grant writing: I love writing and I enjoy the idea of writing grants but writing is a very time involved thing for me. I need it to be quiet and I need to understand completely what I’m writing about. I’m not one of those throw a bunch of words on a page and then revise kind of girl. Neither am I the outlining sort of person. I like to make it complicated. I research, a whole lot. I put blurbs from here and blurbs from there all in a Word document. It’s messy. Then I start putting stuff together. I stare a lot, think a lot, and eventually it all comes together. This is how my mind works, this is how I write. Can’t really help it. This makes the idea of deadlines and showing my progress terrifying and overwhelming. My writing work looks atrocious until the finished product is complete. (Also, it doesn’t help that I don’t feel a part or even have a complete understanding of the programs we offer. I’m hidden in an office because I’m not allowed to be in programs as part of the restrictions of the grant that funds my position.)

Opinion on fundraising through events: Not even interested. I just simply do not like asking people firsthand for money. I do not like the idea of an event where the sole purpose is to raise money. It’s risky and if you fail, everyone knows. Now, I understand that you learn from your mistakes, but I’m not even interested in making the mistake in the first place. It’s overwhelming and I have this huge work block when it comes to organizing this damn relay that they want me to do.

Also, I’ve realized that I enjoy working collaboratively. I do everything by myself here because that’s the nature of the job. I sit at a computer and have no work related human contact, it sucks. For the past few years I’ve been part of a team. We could bounce ideas off of one another, delegate tasks, etc. So amazing. I need to get out of this place. It’s SO hard though because the economy is still shit. I barely make any money, so I can’t afford to just quit and find a new job. The not making money is a huge issue for me. I feel like these temporary jobs have me waiting for real life to begin. I just want it to start already! I want to live. I want to save money, have fun, be able to afford adventures (and yoga class), enjoy my job and life. Corvallis has been good to me and I could really settle here. I want to do it now and can’t! I know that I want to work with youth and possibly their families in a human services position. I’ve applied for one job and am working on the application for another. Fingers crossed people! I need a change. Bad.